Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
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I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
What a chick magnet..
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.