Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
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My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Me when I hear gossip
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?