Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

Salad is the decaf of food.

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

I only treason on days ending in y

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out