Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

this is how life feels

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.