girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
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That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose