Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together