Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
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I’m a carb girl, born and bread
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
*opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples*
“The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared.”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.
Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair