Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.

Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club