[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
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Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club