[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
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[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions