Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”

*if vodka could talk

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?