Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
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me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS