GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
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Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.