Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

me after eating Cheetos

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

My dryer is celebrating lint.

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job