Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

nobody: …

my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.