Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OH. COME. ON.

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit

Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum