GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
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My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Mornin. * use accordingly
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Hmm, not sure about this change
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
🎵 I can’t wait to
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
This joke is 7 years old
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
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Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.