If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
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Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
British websites use biscuits.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me