Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

#oldknees

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine