Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
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Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
When someone trying to leave me
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step