Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
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When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain