Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

😂

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.