Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

“This tofu tastes like chicken.”

No one believes you dude.

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.