Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember