Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
You Might Also Like
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I feel seen.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
i now pronounce you bounced.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me: