Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
You Might Also Like
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I only eat vegetarians.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.