Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
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Am getting real tired of your crap…
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
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About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.