Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
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[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.