Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
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*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Does your wife know you’re single?
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.