Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

Why is it spelled camouflage and not

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household