Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forever 21… pounds overweight

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them

MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long

ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off

– airlines airlining

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all