Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
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Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*