Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
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No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Every haunted house movie:
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*