Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.

2025 me is pissed off about it.

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

pep talk

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.