Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

Hmm 🧐

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

me, after any kind of buffet.

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay