Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.