Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

Stop making fast and furious movies.

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”