Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

[Life after lockdown]

My Hairstylist: WTF

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do