Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

I’m glutton sensitive. I overreact when people eat more than their fair share of pizza.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

peeing after esex so i don’t get an hdmi

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

As per my previous tablet…

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

Holy moly

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: It’s a surprise!

Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke