Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

this is one of the funniest videos of all time

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave

British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.