Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.