Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-

Me: LANGUAGE!

10: -OG!

Me: ohhh my bad, carry on

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.