Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

out-housing market appears to be strong

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

Lmaoo 😂

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls

ME: A ghost

THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

what does he know…

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.