Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
dutch so unserious
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Check your privilege
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
