Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Born to be mild.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
