Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

Ok but actually

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.