Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

they should create new variants of dopamine

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

Banderslack Clamberdorch

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.