Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
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A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids