Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

wow he looks just like him

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

no refunds

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

Me: I love Bowl Season

Them: yeah, football every day for a month!

Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.