@ShortSleeveSuit

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

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@HansGrubertron

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

@TheWidowmakerX

My boyfriend insists he told me something a few days ago and I know he didn’t.

*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*

*For the love of God- don’t say it*

Must have been your other girlfriend

@sonictyrant

Me: waiter, this crab is way too fresh

Crab *to my wife* damn girl I’d like to dip you in butter and put you on a roll

Woman at the next table: i’ll have what she’s having

@jackiembouvier

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

@Darlainky

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

@theguydf

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

@philgibson01

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

@Abdithugger

Me : “What’s the passcode to your phone?”

Friend: “My birthday”

My friend and I:

@Ygrene

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

@Gilmatic

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs