Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
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O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.