Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

I’m not lazy

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.