Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

🤣

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

SF is the wild wild west man

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.