girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
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6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”