@sonictyrant

Girl: i noticed you’ve been checking out this body all night

Me: hell yeah

Girl:*slow winks* wanna help me bury it?

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@XplodingUnicorn

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

@murrman5

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

@roxiqt

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

@sock_holliday

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

@70Ceeks

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

@PaperWash

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

@idigcrazychics

You can’t boss me around until you’re older than the whiskey I drink.

-subtweet to my GF

@Parkerlawyer

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

@ArfMeasures

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend