genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
Girl: i noticed you’ve been checking out this body all night
Me: hell yeah
Girl:*slow winks* wanna help me bury it?
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she has a point
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
guy joined zoom class shirtless and the tutor told him to turn his video off and so he did and it just displayed his profile pic of him shirtless at the beach
Richard and friend arguing
Richard makes good point
Richard’s friend says mark my words
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason