DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
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If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.