2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Girl: i noticed you’ve been checking out this body all night
Me: hell yeah
Girl:*slow winks* wanna help me bury it?
You Might Also Like
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
Psycho or Socio, choose your path wisely.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
You can’t boss me around until you’re older than the whiskey I drink.
-subtweet to my GF
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend