Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
No regrets in 2018
