Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*3.5 thank you very much.

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

Well, this certainly took a turn

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

that’s really how it is

Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.