Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

lmao