Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

Hello Twits.

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

[INFOMERCIAL]

“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.