Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
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Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I found your tweet-up…
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job