Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

🤣🤣🤣

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

Same pineapple, same

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.