Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
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My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
This is why I hate group projects
back to work
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about