Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
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Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
the zen of frog
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot