Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.

7: Noooooo, it’s booties!

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.