Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
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Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
My typo game is string.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
this post was so formative to me
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.