Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

Comparing yourself to others

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun