Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
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I created you as mosquito food.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped