Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

meow

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.