Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
You Might Also Like
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.