Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
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“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.