Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
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How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Single and childfree like Jesus
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.