Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas

my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

what

umm…

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.